Don’t Ever Do This On a First Date

I’ve done a bit of online dating over the past few years, which means I’ve been on quite a few first dates that didn’t turn into seconds. Because so many of them had very specific reasons for not turning into seconds, I thought I would write about what NOT to do on a first date.

This is your guide on what not to do on a first date if you ever want to see the girl again. You might be thinking to yourself that these are pretty self-explanatory, but you’d be surprised…

Do not look nothing like your pictures.

When online dating, you obviously want to highlight your best look, but at least include one photo in there that shows what you look like right now. It’s really awkward to be waiting for you at the bar, then look directly at you and not change my expression because I don’t realize you’re the guy I’m waiting for.

Do not stick your tongue down my throat (especially publicly).

I had a pretty good date with a really nice guy once and as we walked outside to part ways, we stood on a not-so-secluded busy sidewalk. As I went to hug him goodbye, he went in for a kiss. The kiss itself was not my problem. I liked that he went for the kiss because it showed he was interested. What I had a problem with was how aggressive the kiss was. It wasn’t just a polite peck – he was going for it! And when I gently pushed at him to stop, he just went harder. I finally pulled my face away from his to tell him good night, a sign that I’m trying to end the kiss, and he replied “Good night” and went right back for more kissing!

If I have to physically push you off of me at any point, you’ve sealed your fate. We will not be going out again.

Do not conduct an exit interview.

I’m not kidding. I actually had a guy use the phrase “exit interview” on a date! Before the check had even arrived, he said “Okay so, exit interview. What’d you think?”

What am I supposed to say to that? Of course, I’m going to be respectful and polite regardless of how the date went. But after I did so, he proceeded to tell me why we “weren’t really a match.” Well, that’s fine. We don’t have to be perfect for each other. But why do you have to tell me while we’re still sitting at the table? Can’t you wait until we’ve walked out to the parking lot? Or maybe text me when you get home? That was the most awkward time frame waiting for the check, paying it, and walking outside together, knowing both of us have decided this is going nowhere.

This was after he spent the entire date grilling me, so I guess I should have expected it since I was basically at an interview the entire date.

Do not tell me we’re going to meet for dinner and then not order dinner.

This one time I went out with a guy for dinner, and when we sat down and I asked if we were going to order food, he said, “Nahh I’m not really hungry.” Oh? No dinner then? Well, that’s great. It’s not like I’ve been saving my appetite or anything. It’s not like I’m starving. I’ll just keep drinking the beers you keep ordering on this empty stomach until I’m drunk enough to ruin the date myself.

Do not plan a date at a coffee shop at 5:30pm. (This rule may not go for everyone but it’s my personal opinion)

First of all, after-work dates are supposed to be happy hour dates, not coffee dates. Who wants coffee at 5:30pm? It’s almost bedtime! Second of all, I understand you want to go someplace quiet so it’s easy to talk and get to know each other, but there are plenty of restaurants that are calm and quiet enough for intelligent conversations. At least at a restaurant, you get your own table and space. There isn’t a random man sitting directly next to you on his laptop listening to every word your saying. That poor man now knows everything about what I do for a living and how many siblings I have because he was literally an arm’s length away from our date in a silent cafe. There is nothing more awkward about a first date than knowing people are listening in on your date.

Do not take me to an event that is going to take your focus away from me.

This first date is supposed to be a way for us to get to know each other, not spend all our time focused on something else. Taking me to a photography exhibit of the hobby you’re really into might be fun for you, but what am I supposed to do? And oh, you didn’t tell me you’d know a bunch of people here! So now I’m standing here while you catch up with them and I’m the random awkward chick you’re with. At least there was free wine….

Those are all my tips for now, but since I’m still dating hopefully we don’t need a round two in the future…

 

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